August 29th, 2007

Picking MySelf Up Again

It’s funny I’ve been so down for the last couple of weeks. And then yesterday something happened. I just snapped out of this depression spiral. By no means am I go-lucky and bubbly, but I do feel a change coming. I’m no longer in panic mode. It’s always a rollercoaster ride with emotions and the strangest things bring me back to thinking about Mark. We are just about to release the scene that we were both spectators in. It’s hard to look at the photos and videos of that scene for two reasons:

1. I look nasty-fat. High-Definition makes you gain like 20 pounds. No Joke.
2. I seem him and myself cuddled up in all the scenes.

It’s so fucking hard to look at that. Especally when it’s on everyone’s monitor at work. But you gotta keep going you know.

I spoke with Roly last night. He was my oldest bestfriend growing up. He was the first person that I came out to. It was the beginning of our Junior High career, the night before actually, and I came out to him. He waited something like 3 minutes before he broke the silence to tell me he was gay too. We shared so much in life. It’s good to be finally able to talk to him. It’s interesting to me that both Roly and Mark are very important people in my life and I have experienced a psedo-death with both of them. By pseudo-death I mean that we stopped talking for a very long time. I constantly try to bridge the communication channels but to no avail.

I don’t know if I caught Roly off guard or if he reads my blog to know that I’ve been going through some rough waters, but I really appreciated him talking to me. Even if it’s for this one time. Even if we don’t talk for another couple of years, it was nice. It seems like five or six lifetimes ago that I knew Roly. I was such a different person then. This was before I went off to college. I was so introverted. I was so shy. I was so naive. I’m still shy at 30 but most people think I’m a social butterfly. I guess I’m pretty good at fooling them!

I really do hope Roly and I have a chance to rebuild our relationship. It’s so hard in this life to find people who get you. People who are true friends. I think it would be a perfect time in my life to continue my friendship with Roly. We’ll see how it goes.

I have no fucking clue what my next step is in life, but I’m not so scared right now.

August 26th, 2007

Emotions Are Like Waves

Sometimes I feel like I am progressing through my issues. Sometimes I end up right where I started. I woke up today in a bad mood. I had a dream with Mark in it. Life plays evil tricks. I rarely ever remember my dreams. When I do remember them they are cruel and tinge with a sense of realness that is not. It was a happy dream. It was a parallel reality where I was still talking to Mark. I worked through the bad morning and spent the day with Jim and Joe.

We went to brunch in Hollywood and then checked out the farmer’s market. Then we went ot see the Invasion at the ArcLight. I had a great time and it felt good to go out with friends. The minute I come home my world implodes on itself again. I start thinking of what I’m going to do with my apartment, what I’m doing with my life, what awaits me for the future, and then I get parayzed with fear. I ride this wave of emotion every day and it always leaves me at a low point.

I’m so scared of being alone. I’m so scared of finding someone new to share my life with who will break my heart. With so many friends in my life who genuinly care about me, I still feel like I’m an on island isolated from the rest of the world. I feel like only a couple of people know what I’m going through. I feel like I am no longer in control of my life. I just walk through it with shell shock hoping something will happen. But that’s not the way life works. You have to make things happen.

I can’t right now. I’ve lost my self-estreem. I’ve lost my drive. I have to start from the beginning. I don’t want to be jaded. I don’t want to be a pessimist. But I have nothing to look forward to right now. Every new thing in my life scares me now. I don’t want ot think about getting a new roommate. I don’t want to think about finding a boyfriend. I just want to be numb.

I need some sort of inspiration. I just can’t throw myself into anything. I can’t keep busy. All I think about is Mark. it’s funny how a lot of the time I don’t understand why he does what he does, but in a way I do understand. I understand being numb with fear. I understand being so scared to confront life that you just go with the flow instead of making your own currents. I totally understand.

I think it’s why he’s so special to me. We’ve been through the bullshit of pretending that life is dandy. We both know the reality of life. All I wish day after day is that he’ll pick up the phone and call me. All I pray for is that he’ll talk to me in the next couple of days instead of the next couple of years. But there is nothing I can to control this. I’ve sent him so many emails going through the range of emotion. I’ve embarassed myself. Repeated myself. Told him I wouldn’t call him any more. Then I turned around and called him. I’m just a mess.

There are days I just want to put my hands up in the air and give up. I want to just pack my shit and head back to Miami. But what would that do except put me further into depression. Miami is my home-town and it never felt like it. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel at home anywhere. Maybe when I settle down with someone, that will be home. Right now it’s an ideal that I haven’t been able to reach.

August 22nd, 2007

Ups and Downs

I have no idea where to go from here. I feel so paralyzed by fear. Everything that I had setup for myself is now changing. My roommate is leaving. Mark is no longer coming to California to live with me. It just seems that I have to write a new story. A new adventure. But I don’t want to. I don’t like things changing. And changing fast they are. I’ll probably end up just leaving this apartment that I’ve had for three years. It’s the longest stay at an apartment that I’ve ever had. I’ll probably down-size to a 1 bedroom. I can’t deal with getting another roommate and not being compatible. I did that before. It doesn’t help. It will be lonely but I’m lonely now. So it won’t be a new feeling for me.

I know that I’ll get over this funk eventually and life will be vibrant and in color again. But for now it’s just really hard. I’m so not motivated to make new friends. I’m definately not motiavated to find a new lover. I guess a change will do me good. A new apartment will give me something to do. I’ve been listening to one of my favorite artists Nelly Furtado, and she has a song that nails what I’m going through head on. It’s called Why Do All Good Things Come to an End. I included the lyrics below because it definately speaks volumes to me about what’s going with my life.

Why Do All Good Things Come to an End

Honestly what will become of me
don’t like reality
It’s way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don’t see
Missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I’ll stay,stay
young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don’t cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay
away for a day til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.

July 6th, 2007

Shedding some Heavy Baggage

I’ve been in a rut lately. Anyone who knows me, knows that I haven’t been myself. This year has been a crazy year for me. I started working for a gay porn company, the atmosphere is relaxed, I am doing what I love to do which is programming, and still I’m so unhappy. Ever since I turned 30 the baggage that I have been carrying all these years has gotten to be a burden. You would think with the fact that I’ve lost 30 lbs that I would have improved self-esteem. But it’s quite the opposite…

I’ve become a shadow of my former self. My confidence is gone. I feel like I’m getting old. And the most gut-wrenching one is that I’m so lonely. Again life has answered that by reconnecting me with someone who is very special to me. He’s even coming to visit me all the way from Florida. You would think that with all the blessings that I’ve had recently, that I would be happy. But I’m not. I’m mopy. I’m sad. I feel so much pity for myself that it’s pathetic.

Yes I fell for a boy. Yes I work with him. Yes he’s straight. Yes I love him. Yes I’ve perpetuated my torture by pursuing him in so many ways that some make me blush thinking about it. No I haven’t done anything to move on. What’s worse is that I am 30. Not 16, not 18, not 21. But 30. And here I am. Raw. Emotional. Unable to make myself happy no matter how many things life puts in front of me to push me forward.

That is until today…Two days ago my boss found out our cleaning guy showed up dead. One day to the next. He not only was an employee but a friend to my boss. I shy away so much from the thought of death. The very mention of it makes my eyes dilate and my pressure rise. But it is a constant reminder that we are not here forever. We expire. In a way it’s very scary. But today I chose to see the positive in this. It enables you to shake off all your baggage, if only for a moment, and realize how silly things are. My ideal has always been to be that person that lives for the day, celebrates family and friends, and enjoys every minute of this miracle of life. Life always tends to get in the way.

I’m going to make an effort to change this. I should be ecstatic. Like I said I’m a week away from seeing someone who makes me happy just being around him. Life has gifted me with another chance to be around Mark.I’ll I’ve been doing recently is focusing on things which will have no fruition and will not bring me happiness. I’m tired of that thinking. I constantly forget that I can make differences in people’s lives. I forget the power of laughter. I forget how powerful attraction is when it is reciprocated. I forget all these things because I’m trapped in a bubble that limits me in seeing the big picture.

I’m tired of carrying all this baggage. It doesn’t lead to anything positive. So I’m going to try to let it go. No one can let things go so easily. But I will make an effort everyday. I truly believe in the power of Karma. And life has given me so many chances. I’m very aware of how lucky I am. It’s time that I don’t ruin it by being a whiny, selfish person. I’m better than that.

Wish me luck on my journey.

xx Mark I love you so much. You’ve resurfaced during a very hard time in my life. I appreciate you so much.

June 20th, 2007

Susie and Kelvis @ Nelly Furtado

June 18th, 2007

Susie Visit: San Diego Zoo

Susie and Rafael ant La Pain de Quotedant

Susie and Rafael at Brunch

Susie at San Diego Zoo

Susie at San Diego Zoo Entrance


Tall Giraffe


Up Close Giraffe


Giraffe Art

June 2nd, 2007

Earth Intruders

Earth Intruders

June 1st, 2007

Blast from the Past: Key West Whores

Island House Whores

Island House Whores

May 8th, 2007

Science of Sleep: Filling in the Gaps

Science of Sleep

I saw Science of Sleep recently. I’ve been wanting to see it for a while now since it was out in the theatres. I never got a chance to see it then so I picked it up on my NetFlix queue. I don’t know if it’s that my mind is all over the place recently, but while I was watching the movie I was a little distracted. I didn’t find the movie as interesting as I thought I was going to find it. The funny thing is that I went to sleep that night and my sub concious mind decided that I liked the movie. I woke up liking the movie a lot better and the strange thing is that I can definately relate to the character in the movie. The character in the movie has a hard time distringuising reality from fantasy. It almost seems like a mentally unstable condition, but when I really think about it, it’s how I live my life.

I had a real rough day today emotionally. My last entry was all about how happy I am so I’m definately admitting to some sort of bipolar behavior here. As is the case with my moods it always centers around a boy and being/not being in love. I started to think about how predictable I am. When I am down about love I focus on the past relationships in my life. Those amazing love affairs that seem to have escaped your grasp. I’m constantly trying to relive those memories, and sometimes I try giving them a call in Gainesville :)

What I am realizing is that like Science of Sleep I tend to infuse my reality with a lot of dream sequences. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m definately the storyteller personality that will exaggerate stories to make them seem amazing. But I realize that a lot of my memories of relationships are really more dreamt up than they really were. When I think of the great loves of my lives, and there’s been a couple, after all I’m a hopeless romantic, I remember how miserable and emotional I was at times. For the greatest love of my life I was miserable quite a bit! However I hide that reality in the recesses of my mind and instead focus on the dream sequences that make love so alluring and at the same time intangible.

I really don’t know what I want out of life or my relationships. But I do know that as long as life has it’s ugly and difficult moments, I’ll continue to create dreams to make it a more comfortable place to exist. I think the problem with me is that I try to make some dreams a reality….and that just doesn’t gel with the laws of this universe. I’ll end with an interesting observation. I rarely ever remember my dreams. It’s almost as if I go to bed and awake in the same instant. Yet I’m constantly day dreaming through my waking life.

May 7th, 2007

Vegas Pride + 30th Birthday = SKANK FEST

Las Vegas 2007

I’m so excited! My 30th birthday is coming up, which had me depressed for a while. Getting old sucks ass. But now I’m over it and I’m ready to party. Luis and I are going to my favorite skank hotel in Vegas, the Blue Moon Resort. It just so happens that my birthday celebration in Vegas coincides with Las Vegas Pride. So you know it’s gonna be a skank festival! I’m definately bringing my tiny new digital camera. Because after all Whatever Happens in Vegas, Stayes in Vegas….unless you capture it on film.

I reconnected with Franklin recently. I haven’t seen him since college. He’s living in Vegas temporarily so I’m sure he’ll show us the sights. And by sights I mean the naughty bits! That reminds me, Brandi if you are reading this I love you and I promise to call you before I leave for Vegas. We haven’t talked in so long. I’m a horrible friend. Hope everything across the pond is going great for you!

I’m currently in an upswing. I was in a real down mood for a couple of days but I’ve managed to snap out of it. This weekend I spent almost the entire weekend with str8 boyfriend. I just love spending time with him. He’s driving me crazy. This cannot end well. When I like someone I play for keeps. But there’s just one little problem. He’s str8. DAMN! This existence really does fuck with you sometimes. But after we spent time this weekend he really helped me see a little bit of the light. We were talking about how his philosphy changed after his mother passed away. He doesn’t let things get to him anymore. He lives his life how he wants to without answering to anyone.

I dream of a day I can live like that. I have so much jealously. I get fixated over so many things. But the message is true. Life is so short. Live it. I’m so fixated on wanting him as my boyfriend when I should be treasuring the time that we spend together. I know we are growing a very strong friendship bond and I should really focus on that. Having said all that…I really wanna f**K him in the ass! And while we’re at it I’ll take it from behind as well :)

That’s how I role! It’s nice to know that at 30 I’m confused as ever. No questions have been resolved in life. I still feel immature in love. I’ve just had more practice at fucking things up. So basically it’s like three seasons of Lost. Nothing’s answered, there are more questions, and you still watch……hoping that something will be revealed.

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"

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