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Picking MySelf Up Again

It’s funny I’ve been so down for the last couple of weeks. And then yesterday something happened. I just snapped out of this depression spiral. By no means am I go-lucky and bubbly, but I do feel a change coming. I’m no longer in panic mode. It’s always a rollercoaster ride with emotions and the strangest things bring me back to thinking about Mark. We are just about to release the scene that we were both spectators in. It’s hard to look at the photos and videos of that scene for two reasons:

1. I look nasty-fat. High-Definition makes you gain like 20 pounds. No Joke.
2. I seem him and myself cuddled up in all the scenes.

It’s so fucking hard to look at that. Especally when it’s on everyone’s monitor at work. But you gotta keep going you know.

I spoke with Roly last night. He was my oldest bestfriend growing up. He was the first person that I came out to. It was the beginning of our Junior High career, the night before actually, and I came out to him. He waited something like 3 minutes before he broke the silence to tell me he was gay too. We shared so much in life. It’s good to be finally able to talk to him. It’s interesting to me that both Roly and Mark are very important people in my life and I have experienced a psedo-death with both of them. By pseudo-death I mean that we stopped talking for a very long time. I constantly try to bridge the communication channels but to no avail.

I don’t know if I caught Roly off guard or if he reads my blog to know that I’ve been going through some rough waters, but I really appreciated him talking to me. Even if it’s for this one time. Even if we don’t talk for another couple of years, it was nice. It seems like five or six lifetimes ago that I knew Roly. I was such a different person then. This was before I went off to college. I was so introverted. I was so shy. I was so naive. I’m still shy at 30 but most people think I’m a social butterfly. I guess I’m pretty good at fooling them!

I really do hope Roly and I have a chance to rebuild our relationship. It’s so hard in this life to find people who get you. People who are true friends. I think it would be a perfect time in my life to continue my friendship with Roly. We’ll see how it goes.

I have no fucking clue what my next step is in life, but I’m not so scared right now.

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"


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