Emotions Are Like Waves

Sometimes I feel like I am progressing through my issues. Sometimes I end up right where I started. I woke up today in a bad mood. I had a dream with Mark in it. Life plays evil tricks. I rarely ever remember my dreams. When I do remember them they are cruel and tinge with a sense of realness that is not. It was a happy dream. It was a parallel reality where I was still talking to Mark. I worked through the bad morning and spent the day with Jim and Joe.

We went to brunch in Hollywood and then checked out the farmer’s market. Then we went ot see the Invasion at the ArcLight. I had a great time and it felt good to go out with friends. The minute I come home my world implodes on itself again. I start thinking of what I’m going to do with my apartment, what I’m doing with my life, what awaits me for the future, and then I get parayzed with fear. I ride this wave of emotion every day and it always leaves me at a low point.

I’m so scared of being alone. I’m so scared of finding someone new to share my life with who will break my heart. With so many friends in my life who genuinly care about me, I still feel like I’m an on island isolated from the rest of the world. I feel like only a couple of people know what I’m going through. I feel like I am no longer in control of my life. I just walk through it with shell shock hoping something will happen. But that’s not the way life works. You have to make things happen.

I can’t right now. I’ve lost my self-estreem. I’ve lost my drive. I have to start from the beginning. I don’t want to be jaded. I don’t want to be a pessimist. But I have nothing to look forward to right now. Every new thing in my life scares me now. I don’t want ot think about getting a new roommate. I don’t want to think about finding a boyfriend. I just want to be numb.

I need some sort of inspiration. I just can’t throw myself into anything. I can’t keep busy. All I think about is Mark. it’s funny how a lot of the time I don’t understand why he does what he does, but in a way I do understand. I understand being numb with fear. I understand being so scared to confront life that you just go with the flow instead of making your own currents. I totally understand.

I think it’s why he’s so special to me. We’ve been through the bullshit of pretending that life is dandy. We both know the reality of life. All I wish day after day is that he’ll pick up the phone and call me. All I pray for is that he’ll talk to me in the next couple of days instead of the next couple of years. But there is nothing I can to control this. I’ve sent him so many emails going through the range of emotion. I’ve embarassed myself. Repeated myself. Told him I wouldn’t call him any more. Then I turned around and called him. I’m just a mess.

There are days I just want to put my hands up in the air and give up. I want to just pack my shit and head back to Miami. But what would that do except put me further into depression. Miami is my home-town and it never felt like it. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel at home anywhere. Maybe when I settle down with someone, that will be home. Right now it’s an ideal that I haven’t been able to reach.

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"

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