Archive for August, 2007

Picking MySelf Up Again

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

It’s funny I’ve been so down for the last couple of weeks. And then yesterday something happened. I just snapped out of this depression spiral. By no means am I go-lucky and bubbly, but I do feel a change coming. I’m no longer in panic mode. It’s always a rollercoaster ride with emotions and the strangest things bring me back to thinking about Mark. We are just about to release the scene that we were both spectators in. It’s hard to look at the photos and videos of that scene for two reasons:

1. I look nasty-fat. High-Definition makes you gain like 20 pounds. No Joke.
2. I seem him and myself cuddled up in all the scenes.

It’s so fucking hard to look at that. Especally when it’s on everyone’s monitor at work. But you gotta keep going you know.

I spoke with Roly last night. He was my oldest bestfriend growing up. He was the first person that I came out to. It was the beginning of our Junior High career, the night before actually, and I came out to him. He waited something like 3 minutes before he broke the silence to tell me he was gay too. We shared so much in life. It’s good to be finally able to talk to him. It’s interesting to me that both Roly and Mark are very important people in my life and I have experienced a psedo-death with both of them. By pseudo-death I mean that we stopped talking for a very long time. I constantly try to bridge the communication channels but to no avail.

I don’t know if I caught Roly off guard or if he reads my blog to know that I’ve been going through some rough waters, but I really appreciated him talking to me. Even if it’s for this one time. Even if we don’t talk for another couple of years, it was nice. It seems like five or six lifetimes ago that I knew Roly. I was such a different person then. This was before I went off to college. I was so introverted. I was so shy. I was so naive. I’m still shy at 30 but most people think I’m a social butterfly. I guess I’m pretty good at fooling them!

I really do hope Roly and I have a chance to rebuild our relationship. It’s so hard in this life to find people who get you. People who are true friends. I think it would be a perfect time in my life to continue my friendship with Roly. We’ll see how it goes.

I have no fucking clue what my next step is in life, but I’m not so scared right now.

Emotions Are Like Waves

Sunday, August 26th, 2007

Sometimes I feel like I am progressing through my issues. Sometimes I end up right where I started. I woke up today in a bad mood. I had a dream with Mark in it. Life plays evil tricks. I rarely ever remember my dreams. When I do remember them they are cruel and tinge with a sense of realness that is not. It was a happy dream. It was a parallel reality where I was still talking to Mark. I worked through the bad morning and spent the day with Jim and Joe.

We went to brunch in Hollywood and then checked out the farmer’s market. Then we went ot see the Invasion at the ArcLight. I had a great time and it felt good to go out with friends. The minute I come home my world implodes on itself again. I start thinking of what I’m going to do with my apartment, what I’m doing with my life, what awaits me for the future, and then I get parayzed with fear. I ride this wave of emotion every day and it always leaves me at a low point.

I’m so scared of being alone. I’m so scared of finding someone new to share my life with who will break my heart. With so many friends in my life who genuinly care about me, I still feel like I’m an on island isolated from the rest of the world. I feel like only a couple of people know what I’m going through. I feel like I am no longer in control of my life. I just walk through it with shell shock hoping something will happen. But that’s not the way life works. You have to make things happen.

I can’t right now. I’ve lost my self-estreem. I’ve lost my drive. I have to start from the beginning. I don’t want to be jaded. I don’t want to be a pessimist. But I have nothing to look forward to right now. Every new thing in my life scares me now. I don’t want ot think about getting a new roommate. I don’t want to think about finding a boyfriend. I just want to be numb.

I need some sort of inspiration. I just can’t throw myself into anything. I can’t keep busy. All I think about is Mark. it’s funny how a lot of the time I don’t understand why he does what he does, but in a way I do understand. I understand being numb with fear. I understand being so scared to confront life that you just go with the flow instead of making your own currents. I totally understand.

I think it’s why he’s so special to me. We’ve been through the bullshit of pretending that life is dandy. We both know the reality of life. All I wish day after day is that he’ll pick up the phone and call me. All I pray for is that he’ll talk to me in the next couple of days instead of the next couple of years. But there is nothing I can to control this. I’ve sent him so many emails going through the range of emotion. I’ve embarassed myself. Repeated myself. Told him I wouldn’t call him any more. Then I turned around and called him. I’m just a mess.

There are days I just want to put my hands up in the air and give up. I want to just pack my shit and head back to Miami. But what would that do except put me further into depression. Miami is my home-town and it never felt like it. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel at home anywhere. Maybe when I settle down with someone, that will be home. Right now it’s an ideal that I haven’t been able to reach.

Ups and Downs

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007

I have no idea where to go from here. I feel so paralyzed by fear. Everything that I had setup for myself is now changing. My roommate is leaving. Mark is no longer coming to California to live with me. It just seems that I have to write a new story. A new adventure. But I don’t want to. I don’t like things changing. And changing fast they are. I’ll probably end up just leaving this apartment that I’ve had for three years. It’s the longest stay at an apartment that I’ve ever had. I’ll probably down-size to a 1 bedroom. I can’t deal with getting another roommate and not being compatible. I did that before. It doesn’t help. It will be lonely but I’m lonely now. So it won’t be a new feeling for me.

I know that I’ll get over this funk eventually and life will be vibrant and in color again. But for now it’s just really hard. I’m so not motivated to make new friends. I’m definately not motiavated to find a new lover. I guess a change will do me good. A new apartment will give me something to do. I’ve been listening to one of my favorite artists Nelly Furtado, and she has a song that nails what I’m going through head on. It’s called Why Do All Good Things Come to an End. I included the lyrics below because it definately speaks volumes to me about what’s going with my life.

Why Do All Good Things Come to an End

Honestly what will become of me
don’t like reality
It’s way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don’t see
Missed everything daydreaming

[Chorus]
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I’ll stay,stay
young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don’t cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay
away for a day til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"


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