Archive for July, 2007

Shedding some Heavy Baggage

Friday, July 6th, 2007

I’ve been in a rut lately. Anyone who knows me, knows that I haven’t been myself. This year has been a crazy year for me. I started working for a gay porn company, the atmosphere is relaxed, I am doing what I love to do which is programming, and still I’m so unhappy. Ever since I turned 30 the baggage that I have been carrying all these years has gotten to be a burden. You would think with the fact that I’ve lost 30 lbs that I would have improved self-esteem. But it’s quite the opposite…

I’ve become a shadow of my former self. My confidence is gone. I feel like I’m getting old. And the most gut-wrenching one is that I’m so lonely. Again life has answered that by reconnecting me with someone who is very special to me. He’s even coming to visit me all the way from Florida. You would think that with all the blessings that I’ve had recently, that I would be happy. But I’m not. I’m mopy. I’m sad. I feel so much pity for myself that it’s pathetic.

Yes I fell for a boy. Yes I work with him. Yes he’s straight. Yes I love him. Yes I’ve perpetuated my torture by pursuing him in so many ways that some make me blush thinking about it. No I haven’t done anything to move on. What’s worse is that I am 30. Not 16, not 18, not 21. But 30. And here I am. Raw. Emotional. Unable to make myself happy no matter how many things life puts in front of me to push me forward.

That is until today…Two days ago my boss found out our cleaning guy showed up dead. One day to the next. He not only was an employee but a friend to my boss. I shy away so much from the thought of death. The very mention of it makes my eyes dilate and my pressure rise. But it is a constant reminder that we are not here forever. We expire. In a way it’s very scary. But today I chose to see the positive in this. It enables you to shake off all your baggage, if only for a moment, and realize how silly things are. My ideal has always been to be that person that lives for the day, celebrates family and friends, and enjoys every minute of this miracle of life. Life always tends to get in the way.

I’m going to make an effort to change this. I should be ecstatic. Like I said I’m a week away from seeing someone who makes me happy just being around him. Life has gifted me with another chance to be around Mark.I’ll I’ve been doing recently is focusing on things which will have no fruition and will not bring me happiness. I’m tired of that thinking. I constantly forget that I can make differences in people’s lives. I forget the power of laughter. I forget how powerful attraction is when it is reciprocated. I forget all these things because I’m trapped in a bubble that limits me in seeing the big picture.

I’m tired of carrying all this baggage. It doesn’t lead to anything positive. So I’m going to try to let it go. No one can let things go so easily. But I will make an effort everyday. I truly believe in the power of Karma. And life has given me so many chances. I’m very aware of how lucky I am. It’s time that I don’t ruin it by being a whiny, selfish person. I’m better than that.

Wish me luck on my journey.

xx Mark I love you so much. You’ve resurfaced during a very hard time in my life. I appreciate you so much.

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"

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