Archive for May, 2007

Science of Sleep: Filling in the Gaps

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
Science of Sleep

I saw Science of Sleep recently. I’ve been wanting to see it for a while now since it was out in the theatres. I never got a chance to see it then so I picked it up on my NetFlix queue. I don’t know if it’s that my mind is all over the place recently, but while I was watching the movie I was a little distracted. I didn’t find the movie as interesting as I thought I was going to find it. The funny thing is that I went to sleep that night and my sub concious mind decided that I liked the movie. I woke up liking the movie a lot better and the strange thing is that I can definately relate to the character in the movie. The character in the movie has a hard time distringuising reality from fantasy. It almost seems like a mentally unstable condition, but when I really think about it, it’s how I live my life.

I had a real rough day today emotionally. My last entry was all about how happy I am so I’m definately admitting to some sort of bipolar behavior here. As is the case with my moods it always centers around a boy and being/not being in love. I started to think about how predictable I am. When I am down about love I focus on the past relationships in my life. Those amazing love affairs that seem to have escaped your grasp. I’m constantly trying to relive those memories, and sometimes I try giving them a call in Gainesville :)

What I am realizing is that like Science of Sleep I tend to infuse my reality with a lot of dream sequences. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m definately the storyteller personality that will exaggerate stories to make them seem amazing. But I realize that a lot of my memories of relationships are really more dreamt up than they really were. When I think of the great loves of my lives, and there’s been a couple, after all I’m a hopeless romantic, I remember how miserable and emotional I was at times. For the greatest love of my life I was miserable quite a bit! However I hide that reality in the recesses of my mind and instead focus on the dream sequences that make love so alluring and at the same time intangible.

I really don’t know what I want out of life or my relationships. But I do know that as long as life has it’s ugly and difficult moments, I’ll continue to create dreams to make it a more comfortable place to exist. I think the problem with me is that I try to make some dreams a reality….and that just doesn’t gel with the laws of this universe. I’ll end with an interesting observation. I rarely ever remember my dreams. It’s almost as if I go to bed and awake in the same instant. Yet I’m constantly day dreaming through my waking life.

Vegas Pride + 30th Birthday = SKANK FEST

Monday, May 7th, 2007

Las Vegas 2007

I’m so excited! My 30th birthday is coming up, which had me depressed for a while. Getting old sucks ass. But now I’m over it and I’m ready to party. Luis and I are going to my favorite skank hotel in Vegas, the Blue Moon Resort. It just so happens that my birthday celebration in Vegas coincides with Las Vegas Pride. So you know it’s gonna be a skank festival! I’m definately bringing my tiny new digital camera. Because after all Whatever Happens in Vegas, Stayes in Vegas….unless you capture it on film.

I reconnected with Franklin recently. I haven’t seen him since college. He’s living in Vegas temporarily so I’m sure he’ll show us the sights. And by sights I mean the naughty bits! That reminds me, Brandi if you are reading this I love you and I promise to call you before I leave for Vegas. We haven’t talked in so long. I’m a horrible friend. Hope everything across the pond is going great for you!

I’m currently in an upswing. I was in a real down mood for a couple of days but I’ve managed to snap out of it. This weekend I spent almost the entire weekend with str8 boyfriend. I just love spending time with him. He’s driving me crazy. This cannot end well. When I like someone I play for keeps. But there’s just one little problem. He’s str8. DAMN! This existence really does fuck with you sometimes. But after we spent time this weekend he really helped me see a little bit of the light. We were talking about how his philosphy changed after his mother passed away. He doesn’t let things get to him anymore. He lives his life how he wants to without answering to anyone.

I dream of a day I can live like that. I have so much jealously. I get fixated over so many things. But the message is true. Life is so short. Live it. I’m so fixated on wanting him as my boyfriend when I should be treasuring the time that we spend together. I know we are growing a very strong friendship bond and I should really focus on that. Having said all that…I really wanna f**K him in the ass! And while we’re at it I’ll take it from behind as well :)

That’s how I role! It’s nice to know that at 30 I’m confused as ever. No questions have been resolved in life. I still feel immature in love. I’ve just had more practice at fucking things up. So basically it’s like three seasons of Lost. Nothing’s answered, there are more questions, and you still watch……hoping that something will be revealed.

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"

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