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My Heart is Heavy

I hate times like these. I’ve been off my medication for about six months now. Everything has been really good. I have a job that I love, my friends and loved ones are good, and I love LA. But like India.Arie says in her song This Too Shall Pass:

“I’ve achieved so much in life,
but I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt”

I’ve fallen like a fool for a straight boy at work. It’s such an adolscent crush that I don’t know what to do with myself. He has a girlfriend to boot. It got me in a real sour mood because it further opened up insecurities about myself. Insecurities that always leave me feeling so lonely. I always have away at keeping these thoughts at bay but starting Wednesday pandora’s box started opening. I always fall for guys that are either emotionally unavailable or ones that are straight. I always sabotage myself like i did with review Geniux. I’m very well aware of this, the reason of why I do this is what eludes me. Why? I haven’t dates anyone since college. The whole time I lived in Miami and the time I have spent here in Los Angeles I have been without a pair.

At times I think I rather be alone but it’ not true. It’s just a defense mechanism. I always think of a reason for why I can’t be in a realtionship. Whether it’s I need to go to the gym to tighten up or that I’m holding out for the right guy. I don’t want to wake up at the age of 45 and not have someone. What’s really fucked up is that lately my self-esteem has been pretty good. I guess that happens when cute str8 boys flirt with you all day.

I hate feeling like this. but I know that This Too Shall Pass…

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"


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