Archive for October, 2006

Coming off the Meds; Jumping on the Life Wagon

Sunday, October 15th, 2006
Me in DC circa 1995

It’s always rough coming off of Lexapro. I should know this is my third attempt. People always say you eventually go back to anti-depressants. I want to prove them wrong. I have been taking lexapro for about three years on and off. When I first got my medical cannabis card evaluation i was in heaven but since i’ve been off the medicine in Florida it was catastrophe. The heat doesn’t agree with me. My family and their problems don’t agree with me. It was hard! I came off lexapro again about a year ago in Los Angeles. I was living alone, work was falling apart, again not a very good time to come off the meds. Once the cloud clears it’s a very sobering experience.

I find myself ok now. It’s hard to describe. I don’t live alone anymore, I have Luis and Rafael to keep me company. I definately think Los Angeles is my home for a long, long time. I’m happy here. Yet I’m at the stage where it’s been about two months since I’ve gotten off the anti-depressants and all the optimism and happiness have been sucked away. I’m starting to hear that voice in the back of my head which questions everything in life. It doesn’t help that I’m not working. Some days I feel like I’m not contributing to society. Other days it feels like I really need this rest before I join the workforce again. Sometimes I wonder if doing this Real Estate stuff is worth it. There are days that I get very excited about it and there are other days when I’m asking myself who I am fooling?! I don’t know if bipolar disorder comes with being cuban, but everyone I know is like me. We get super excited about one thing and then eventually drop it.

My plan is to finish my real estate license. Loose about 30 pounds before I begin work in January, and begin work in January! I think if I can accomplish these goals it will definately help me with my self-motivation. Sometimes I feel like life is going on all around me and I’m just an observer. I always find an excuse. Here is a good example. I’ve been feeling that tinge of should I be dating someone now?! I feel kind of lonely and it would be nice to have a relationship. It’s been years since I actually have one of those. The last date I went on was right when I got to Los Angeles. And that was almost three years ago! I always punish myself for being too fat and I won’t let myself date until I loose weight. Is it worth it? What if I don’t loose the weight!? Then I am fucked! I have been going to the gym regularly though. I think that by the time my 30th birthday rolls around I’ll be motivated because I will have at least lost 30 pounds (fingers crossed).

We just finished watching an Argentinian gay movie called, A Year Without Love. I love spanish gay cinema. Most of the time the plot is not important. I love how the characters live. Usually the characters are not rich yet they live such rich and romantic lives. Something about that bohemian lifestyle really attracts me. Yet I can’t help feel that I don’t belong under that label. I feel I am too mainstream. But I love the idea of it though. That’s why I love independant movies so much. It shows such a different way of living, not just the American standard.

It’s funny. I thought once I moved to Los Angeles I would become a new person. You know new city, a chance to start over again. But it’s stil the same ole’ me. I guess that’s not that bad. I sit here in my balcony watching the twinkling lights of Los Angeles and hoping that the feeling comes back, the shiny new feeling. When I first moved here everything was amazing, new, and vibrantly colorful. Now it’s home. It’s expected. I guess that is why everyone eventually tries to get off of anti-depressants. While they don’t make you sad they definately drain away all emotions. I’m at the point that I’d rather have depression days if it means that I’ll be excited again like I used to be. I’m still that little kid that never sleeps the night before he goes to Disney. I used to wonder if that was a lack of maturity, but now I treasure it and I am waiting for it to come back :)

I’m defiantely going to make a commitment to go out more. I read somewhere that the best way to meet a lover is to go to as many places as possible. If someone invited you to a party, go. If someone invites you to a movie, go. You never know where you are going to meet someone! Wish me luck.

The pictures this time around do not fit the entry. The first picture is of me when I was around 17. We went on a school trip to Washington D.C. Crazy times! I was so young I was so skinny! It sometimes feels like a parallel life.

The last picture is of my grandmother. My cousin took it recently. One of the only downsides to living in California is that I don’t see my family enough. When I go visit it’s hell, but I do miss them so very much! My dream is for them to come live with me in Los Angeles. Crazy huh!

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"

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