Coming Out Entry :: June 21, 1996 ::

Coming OutI read many of my past entries trying to find the right one to post. I was going to post my sexual experiences with a close friend in San Francisco, but in the end I decided that should remain private. I decided to share the journal entry that recaps my coming out experience to my parents. It was a very touching point in my life and one which helped me become even more proud of who I am and proud of the parents that I have. Here is the entry dated June 12th 1996. It was my towards the end of my first year in college….

There were too many problems on my mind. I decided to tell her right there and then. I opened my eyes and realized that I was still at the mall. I didn’t want to be there. How could I possibly tell my mother I was gay. Where would I begin? I was 19 years old and my parents had no idea who I really was. I held back the tears so that I wouldn’t embarass my parents at the mall. After all we were shopping to buy a gift for dad for Father’s day.

My mom made her decisions for the gift and soon we were in the car. Half way home a song came on the radio that always makes me sad and emtional, If I Could Fly by Benny Mardonis. Tears began to flow from my eyes. I know my dad was tense because he was looking at me through the rear view mirror. I decided at that moment that I was going to tell them something so that I wouldn’t back out when we got home. I told both of my parents, “Mom, Dad when we get home I need to talk to both of you”. My parents got scared but my mom told dad to calm down. At that point I was more scared than ever.

We arrived at home. I dried my tears and kissed my grandmother. We proceeded to the computer room where my grandmother would not hear us. I was nervous, what would I say? My mom sat next to me and my dad sat on a chair. I mumbled some words but it was too low to hear. My mom asked me what I said. Instead of repeating I told them that I did not know where to begin. My mother asked me if she could help.

She asked if it had anything to do with my sexuality. There really is nothing to be kept from a mother. At that point I was telling them that I loved them more than anything in this world. I was so scared they were going to reject me as their son. I told them that I wanted to have this conversation since I was 12 years old. All this I accomplished while crying uncontrollably. I finally told them that I was homosexual. The word sounded so medical and sterlized coming from my lips. I will never forget my father’s gaze because after I said it he did not look directly into my eyes during the whole conversation.

I explained everything and they sat their listening. Mom asked my dad to give me a hug. When he he did he started crying and so did I. He told me through his tears that I was his only son and that he loved me no matter what. It felt as if all the weight that was keeping me down in life left through the tears that I had shed. When the conversation was over I was exhausted. My mom told me that I was the best son parents could ever have because I was honest and caring.

Coming Out

I know I am lucky because I have parents who can see through their own prejudices because I was their son. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have such understanding and intelligent parents. I am content in knowing that I told my parents how much I love them and that I came out. It felt so unbelieably good. I felt at that point in my life that I could accomplish anything. That I had no fears. I was unstoppable because I had unconditional love from my parents and the deepest truths had been revealed.

Now that I am 26 I cannot believe the incredible courage that I had at 19. Whenever I feel scared, or think that I cannot accomplish the things that I want to do in my life, I read this entry. It empowers me. It lets me know that I can do anything, and that usually the fear that holds you back from acting out is stronger than the consequences. I encourage everyone who hasn’t come out to your parents to do so. It might not be a happy ending, but at least you are true to yourself. There is no greater drug.

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"I have quite a collection of journals. It's not so much that I write a lot. I have this bad habit of starting a new journal when I start a new chapter in life. Either I have had many turning points in my life, or I just wanted an excuse to buy new journals!"

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